How friends can help us tap into our soothe system

I was recently on holiday with one of my oldest friends celebrating our birthday milestones (ahem 😅), and she casually said to me:

"You know, the best bit of this holiday for me has been seeing how well you're doing."

And she really meant it.

No comparison. No hidden agenda. No performance. Just genuine love from someone who has known me through every version of myself since we were 7 years old.

And this felt really, really good. Why?

Because this friendship is wholly and deeply safe.

Safety changes everything

With her, I can be completely myself. I can be silly, playful, emotional, vulnerable; what we'd call the "Free Child" in Transactional Analysis. There's no managing, masking, or monitoring myself.

And scientifically, this matters more than we often realise.

As far as our nervous systems are concerned, we are still very much tribal beings. Who we spend time with affects us neurologically.

What happens when we feel safe

When we feel psychologically safe with people:

• Our stress response reduces
• Our body moves out of vigilance
• We relax into 'rest and digest'
• We consolidate memories and emotions more effectively
• We recover mentally and physically

In short: safe friendships are genuinely restorative for the nervous system.

So if that's the case, the inverse is also true.

The cost of constant vigilance

At work, during the school run, talking to strangers, navigating social expectations, managing how we come across… our nervous systems are often working constantly in the background.

Even in environments that are objectively 'fine' there can still be effort, vigilance, self-monitoring, and emotional labour.

And over time that can impact us.

The withdrawal trap

What's interesting is that this exhaustion can actually make us withdraw from the very people who help regulate us.

We feel tired, so we isolate. Which is completely understandable, and don't get me wrong social fatigue is a thing… but it could be the opposite of what our nervous system actually needs.

I talk about this a lot with coaching clients:

Rest is not just sleeping or making it to that holiday we've booked. Rest is really about resting our nervous systems, and giving our bodies time and the environment it needs to recover, so we CAN go and be friendly to Judy on the school run, or nail that presentation.

Arguably, pinning all our daily recovery needs on a sunbed in Greece is a beautiful wish, but somewhat of a bit of a pipe dream.

Instead, it's about knowing what taps into our rest and digest state or soothe system.

One of those tools is knowing who your tribe is. Who are the people who:

• You notice your nervous system softens with?
• Let you exhale?
• Love you without requiring anything from you?

A simple question

So if you're feeling exhausted lately, ask yourself:

Who in your life would genuinely say, "The best thing has been seeing how well you're doing"?

Go spend time with them.

I'd be willing to bet you'll leave feeling lighter, calmer, more energised… and a little more like yourself again.